There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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