did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
