it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
