Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
