My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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