grandma shit on top of the toilet
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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