when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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