I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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