just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
