This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
