there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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