Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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