You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
