She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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