She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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