Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Less talking, more tequila
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
