I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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