My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
