There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
