i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
