soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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