also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
