Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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