just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
