I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
