So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
