Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize