I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
