can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
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