Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize
