drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
