You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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