I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
