So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
