Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
