Im at strip club and am horny
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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