shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
