Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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