shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
