I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
