I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
