I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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