Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
