I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
