I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
