dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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