I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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