every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
