Tell her she can't have a vagina
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
