Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
